very much feel like committing suicide now.


I HATE MYSELF! ARGHHHHHHHH.

:)

Finally, smiles could be seen on my face ALL OVER AGAIN! :D

I'm basically leading a normal as ever single life, no longer the "breakingup-sadtothemax-cryeverynight-emoish" kinda life anymore! :)


oh yea, i gotta share this with everybody!!



THE WONDERFUL CLASS MEDAL WE GOT 2 YEARS AGO!! :D


this reminds me of so many wonderful memories of 4e3! omg.
-Mr Emmanuel Teo
-Struggling for O lvls days.
-Crazy days with the mighty girls!
-Sec 3 camp! Best class award!

and so many more wonderful events that happened. but sad to say, the class is scattered, everyone in their own walks of life, maybe not so extreme, but everyone's in different schools and courses.

i hope there'll be class outing for 4e3! the only class that motivates me to school every single day, and spend everyday with joy and laughters. :)





heh, cute little god-niece. :)


okay, i've nothing to blog alr.


Last night was a really fun night, i enjoyed myself, but K.O upon reaching home. :D And i conclude that, Clubs isn't the best place to spend a wonderful night. :D

BB.

Officially Missing You.

Am obsessed with this particular song currently- Officially Missing You.

Happen to saw a video uploaded on Fb, 2 girls singing this song. So i went to dl it, and amazingly, it's very nice. It more or less reflects my current feelings? Cause i know i'm still missing him.. :(


It's really bad to know that when you care for this person so that much, however, that person doesn't even gives a damn about what's happening to you. It hurts. So many advices given to forget him, so many discouraging words and thoughts. Sad to say, I still couldn't control my emotions or thoughts. Yea, strong words like I AM GONNA FORGET HIM BLAH BLAH.. those who know me well, you guys should know that i's only trying SO hard to act strong. I put up false front to protect myself, to not let others worry. Even when i'm tearing, when i'm bleeding, does he even care? I know he don't. For the second time after the break up, i'm tearing while typing all this. Yes, i cried twice, only twice. I'm pretty proud of myself. I guess, he must be gleeing to see me in such agony, or he wouldn't even be bothered when he sees all this words. Cause he doesn't even care. I force myself to give up that thought y'know. I keep telling myself that i don't need him! I don't fucking care about him! I don't want to have anything related to him! I don't want to even thinking of him! And i want to forget him immediately! Obviously, I failed quite badly. :'(

I don't wish to tear really. I don't want to.. Because i know it makes no difference, the one i needs care and concern from will never ever be bothered by any thing that happens to me. I'm ver disappointed by myself. For falling in love that easily. And getting out of love with that much effort. Every little single thing reminds me of him, the guy. I really hate it. Even if there's not much beautiful memories.. I still couldn't help but think..

Afterall, i know, he doesn't even need me and he doesn't even love me. Why cheat my feelings for this long? Why bring me such agony? Why tell me that you do love me? Why tell me that you do need me? When in fact all this is just your pack of lies.

Rest in Peace Beloved Ahgu.

I hope my Ahgu rest in peace and live this world without any regrets and pain. You'll always be in my heart and always be remembered.


Past few days have been hectic.



This is gonna be a very random post, my mind's more or less blank now, must be due to the tiredness.. Maybe it's better to blog in point form?


-Was suppose to go for movie today, but i couldn't make it in time so..
-Missed Mahjong with my cousin, tomorrow perhaps? am itching for some mj.
-I miss my girls, hope i can see them tmr, if not i'm going to be at Pasir Ris tmr.
-When can i meet you for dinner/mahjong tutorial huh, bro? & would love to see "Thank god, Thank Buddha" and my mama too!
-When can i go shopping with you huh, brotherbeeeeee?
-I wanna get my hair cut! i need some shape y'know.
-I haven't collected my blackies! Gonna do it tmr or something.
-I'm gonna miss school the next 2 days, omg.
-Welcome back YY, KK, Angie, Yanping!
-I need to get some beauty sleep now and plan for tmr, HATE LAST MINUTES! urgh.


*i realised every little single thing i see of reminds me of you.
but yet, what of you do i deserve to think of and be remembered?
and also, what did you left for me? happy memories all gushed down my stomach, not leaving any.
am i being fair? to you, i guess so. not to me.
i'm regretting for treating you that well. whytf?
not i can only blame myself for trusting you that much,
for always believing that you love me, you do love me.
but yet, ive always been cheating myself.
this is the last ending, i'm not going to let myself be affected by you after 2 weeks.
and i am not going to give any chances to both of us anymore.
i realised there is no point, because you don't bother, and i am too lazy to bother anymore.
i knew you wouldn't regret, very much of not expecting and not disappointing?
i constantly remind myself that we're 2 separate strangers now.
i avoid seeing you, so i guess being friends is harder than i thought.
Perhaps the day we got together, it's meant to be a wrong move, being friends is afterall the best way.
I'm sure i'll find someone better and forget you entirely.
Don't ever think you could affect me in any ways anymore, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DON'T.
goodbye! :D

the end.

this should more or less been expected.


it's the toughest period seriously, have never been so afraid of getting hurt ever. this time round i tasted it. i don't blame anyone, neither do i blame him for this. because i was asking for it. afterall, i was being the childish one in this r/s. i'm still young, too young to be with him, too young to be able to understand whatever he does.

you reap what you sow. i've always been the one making a move in this r/s, therefore i could conclude that whatever the ending is for our r/s, it's all caused by myself. im the guardian angel of this, and now that the guardian angel is feeling too hard to handle it anymore, this r/s topples down. what'll be left if i didn't initiated it? it'll still be the same.

now that i'm blogging this out, i'm bound to end it thoroughly already. yea, have been thinking of giving chances. but obviously the reply i get was rather bad, afterall, i made a fool out of myself. to be the one initiating this, and yet being the one who wants to salvage the thing. the act of extreme stupidity. now i think i look foolish.

it's okay, i don't mind receiving bad comments of all this. and please, he's not the one who caused the failure of the r/s. he's not entirely to be blame. i wouldn't want to make him a bad guy to everyone. cause he's not. i know he once loved me. i didn't know how to treasure, didn't know how to grab hold of it. whatever i did pissed him off and led to mistreatments of him to me. i asked for it.

for the past 5 months, i've not been myself. i've lost myself, lost my focus on my studies. i neglected my class. i blame myself for it. because he always encourage me to go to school, i chose not to. eventually, i reap what i sow again. my results sucked. but nope, now that everything's back to normal, i shall put all my focus on my studies, on my friends. i neglected brotherbee so much, i neglected the class, i neglected my girlfriends.


now i'm all sad and stuffs, but that's usual. because afterall i love him so much. as much as i could. i've never loved someone that much. really. i hate to give up, but eventually i did. yet again, i caused all this.


nevertheless, he'll still live deep deep within my heart. i love him. still loving him. still hopes to care for him. still hopes to know that he's forever happy. for all i know, this guy will always live in my heart, being protected securely.
for the one last time, baby, i love you. please take good care of yourself.


goodbye.
i will stop blogging for a period, till i'm all recovered. till then peeps.

A very hectic day.

I'm pretty much exhausted, mentally. :(



I've no idea why, but things seems to be going haywired for me. I feel so out, out of my own world. It's not that i love venting out stuffs here. It's just that things aren't going smoothly. Exceptionally hate it when somebody makes the situation worst. Adding fuel to the flames. But nope, it's suppose to be a dying flame, but someone just sprinkled some water droplets on the flame attempting to die it off. :(



I dialled up my best friend. To realise that he feels sad for me because i've been leading a life so far away from his. Yea, i know. At the same time, i know how much i've been drifting away from my classmates. To think, we used to be a close bunch of friends. School has been motivation-less for me now. :( I hate that. Considering my attendance, my bond with the class.



Raimee Summers PLEASE GET WELL SOON!



Was sick that day, didn't get a chance to visit rye. :( Hope that he recovers asap! 07 needs him.



& on another note, i'm missing my girls. fairly much. My wrong. I did not make the effort to meetup with them. Sorrrrr-Leeeeeee. kk, will get a chance to meetup with them very soon! :)




At the end of the day, it ended with a full stop. A fairly normal one. I hope my mum doesn't get too possessive someday soon (: bye.

i hate it when i needed to use my blog to vent my anger/ sadness. it sucks y'know?
what's worst when you're sick, yet you're sad? total torture. end this for me anyone.
sigh. maybe i should learn to accept and appreciate.
afterall, i know who's the one putting in the effort.

The amount of tissue wasted on me today was kinda massive.



Nice way to start to blog entry yea? So sick now, yet i'm still blogging here. I'm bored, that's the main reason though. HUR. I hate being sick, cause i'll lose the appetite for any delicacies in front of me. I'm sucha glutton y'know, EATING IS MY LIFE! GOSH! Have been eyeing for sliced fish beehoon, or something bland so as not to strain the already very pathetic throat of mine. :(


Guess the main reason is lack of sleep. Have not been sleeping enough lately. I've no idea why but i just can't seem to fall asleep! I can stay awake after lying on bed for a couple of hours. This has never happened before! Haywired body of mine. Sigh.





Anyway, School started. The thing i dread most is to wake up early for school, and those LOOONG train rides. Worst thing is our timetable is bloody hell screwed up! START EARLY, END LATE! WTF!?? and for this sem, no more, " EVERY WEDNESDAY IS MY HOLIDAY!" already. :((





Heh, camwhored a wee bit, very random.



My life has been pretty mundane other than frequent outings, the MOST INTERESTING THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN MAY JUST BE, school reopened. -.-


Oh, many blogshops just updated with new collections, i better go check it out now. :)

Till then..

Hee.

It's been SOOO long since i last blogged nicely right? Holidays are not special at all, for me at least. But school's WORST. Tell me what i want!!

Anyway, i gotten into the Gems i wanted. :) The art of Kiasu-ness. :D S o proud of myself. I settled everything in 5 minutes time, and, Ta-dah! All done! Personal Selling, 3 PM every Friday. Pray hard i attend lessons faithfully yea?




So what has been happening to me recently? Hmm, nothing in particular actually. Just my 18th which is erm, quite boring. Other than that was dates with baby. Some failed dates, some success dates. Still happy though. He've changed so much this few days. Making me feel so blessed. We went for Bak Kut Teh, and tried some lame Stimulator machine in the arcade. Heh. Wasted our money though, the stimulator was too lame. I laughed throughout cause of baby's reaction. And we had a great time laughing at a Over-sized girl who happened to playing DDR. So mean.



So this is a picture taken while waiting for baby to finish cleaning his car. I helped this time round! Heh. I'm sucha lazy bum. :D I realised i've lost the "Girl Quality" in me. I no longer love taking pictures of myself, shall make more effort!



I'm wearing the present from Feifei!
& I put on the M.A.C Concealer from Vonny! :]



School's starting in no time. I hate it! I dread waking up in the morning. I dread taking the long long train rides to school. I dread ending school late. I dread going for boring lessons. :( It's part and parcel of life right? I shall study hard next sem, results are WAY TOO SUCKY this sem. zz. I know i've been repeating this so many times already. I hope i keep to my words. I even bought a scheduler for next sem okay! Determined no?





Heh, i had a crazee night ytd. I slept at 9.30. Mind you, it's AM. Lol. Had a tiff with baby. I hope things are fine. But i'm afraid that things wouldn't be the same. I really hate the past. But i enjoy the present, and fear for the future. What's fucking wrong with me? What he said was so right, i'm the one creating problems for myself now. But i'm afraid i'm not as strong as the past. Your love have weakened me by a large bit, now i'm just so vulnerable. Hate it. I shall be strong!


YES I CAN!


Till next time...

the memorable 18th.

Have been on sour terms with my mother. and i realise i am beginning to hate the fact to think about all this. it always brings me endless troubles. she's always non-stop angry and pissed off with me. how to bloody counter this fucking thing man?

guess what? we could be on good terms after a quarrel of a span of a month, and not lasting for 2 weeks, we're back to sour terms AGAIN. SO FUCKING IRRITATING. she's so demanding. every single thing she wants it to be perfect, she doesnt want me return home late, she wants me to be home whenever she is, she wants me to do those fucing housechores. its okay, i can do them but at least give me some freedom? she's always making me so stressed up, to the extent i dont even feel like thinking about it. so irritating.

she's so petty. always angry over those small little matters. like not being home when she comes back from aust. LIKE WTF? you go overseas almost every month, and expect me to be waiting everytime? there's not even give and take situation. HOW BLOODY OLD AM I ALREADY? i dont mind staying home blah blah, but i really hate to be controlled and ALWAYS LOCKED OUT!

REALLY FUCKED UP.

i got locked up, i go to my friends place, then? YOU ANGRY AGAIN? FUCK LAR. always angry. i dont even feel like caring anymore alr. so bloody petty man. how can i survive like that? i love my home. but i hate the stress that it's giving me. i feel so tied up you know? so suffocating.

I'M A 18 YEARS OLD. NOT A 12 YEARS OLD KID ANYMORE!!

I DONT LIKE TO BE TIED UP LIKE A KID! FUCK IT LAR. I DONT WANNA CARE ANYMORE. YOU WANNA BE ANGRY DEN SO BE IT. LOCK DEN I'LL JUST STAY OUT. SINCE YOU DONT NEED ME, WHY SHOULD I NEED YOU? YOU'RE FORCING ME TO MY WITS END ALREADY. FUCK.